Coming Out Once and For All

QuitSome of us emerge into this world with a map that is very clear and unmistakable. Like a laser, we are pointed directly at our destination with a path that is linear and precise. Never wavering or stepping from our path, we push on. Some of us meander a bit, weaving from place to place…like a bee from flower to flower. We pick up a bit here and another bit there, carrying a taste of each experience with us like so many grains of pollen. Always on our way to a destination, but with a path that resembles a wandering, loopy, vacillating line.

Personally, my path has been a bit of both. My entire life I have been propelled, driven, pushed, pulled and sometimes dragged along by a force, a voice, a feeling inside of me that has always whispered “keep going, not yet, there is more than this”. A sense that I have more to share, more to show and much more to live than what is visible directly in front of me. As if the map I have is somehow not entirely mine, but has been drawn by someone else.

I’ve always told myself and others that “I am a gypsy…a pioneer”. At times my life has been like a game of “Hot and Cold”. Directed by this inner knowing that I am getting “colder” or “warmer”, yet still not ever exactly sure what it is that I am supposed to be seeking. The path that this has taken me on would, for the most part, seem random and meandering. There have been those moments on my journey where I have made very direct, sudden turns, towards a very specific point. Yet even those moments of seemingly doubtless movement have always ended with me arriving at the destination, knowing that I was supposed to be there, but not being able to figure out exactly why. Something along the lines of entering a room with a thousand locked boxes and a ring of keys in my hand. Clearly there is a reason I am to be here, and clearly these keys unlock these boxes, but hell if I know which key fits what lock! Eventually, all paths have lead me back to that room full of boxes. Over the years I have opened many of the boxes and for a while the contents have been interesting, enjoyable, exciting, and even rewarding. Yet the truth is, that over time, the contents of all of the opened boxes has always left me wanting more. Always left me yearning to discover what’s next. After trying a few boxes, I have usually gotten tired of the exercise and have gone back to doing what I know how to do. Exiting the room, shutting the door behind me, keeping to what I am comfortable with and repeating the same thing over and over.

In 1990, I left the small Wyoming town I grew up in, and struck out for Seattle. It was one of those moments on my path that was precise and direct. I didn’t know why, I didn’t know how, I only knew that Seattle was where I was supposed to go. In the 9 years I lived in Seattle, I had 7 different apartments and 12 different jobs. I opened a lot of boxes that I eventually got bored with. Then came New York City: Another straight shot driven by my inner voice to a very specific destination. My 6.5 years in The Big Apple brought 4 more jobs and 6 more apartments…the boxes were bigger, louder, and much more glamorous, and still unfulfilling. The next 8 years brought me back to Seattle, then down to San Francisco, further South to Los Angeles and in an unexpected hairpin turn, back North to Seattle again. Those 8 years from 2005 – 2013 included 12 more jobs and 9 more apartments. More keys, more locks, more opened boxes that ultimately ended with me sitting, staring at the ceiling in exasperation wondering what the point of all of this was?

Then something shifted. I was living in LA in 2012, standing in my apartment looking at myself in mirror. Having just made the decision to move back to Seattle…again. This time though, I promised myself that this was it. I was tired of the repetitive loop that the past few years of my life had become. The travels, the apartments, the jobs, the moves…they had all been fulfilling in their own way, but it was like a spiral that was getting tighter and tighter. It was now difficult for me to tell one day from the next. My own personal Groundhog Day set to the soundtrack of that voice saying: “keep going, not yet, there is much more than this”. It was then and there that I promised myself…promised that voice, promised The Universe, promised God that I would go back to Seattle to finally sit down and sort through the numerous keys on that ring. To try them all and find out which box held the treasure. Being a gypsy is one thing, but I was beginning to feel like the past 8 years I had been striking out not in search of adventure or greener pastures, but that I had actually been running from The Truth. I wasn’t even sure what that Truth was, but I knew it was there. I knew that I could no longer run from it, and most importantly, I was ready to discover it. I was tired of running and moving, of getting settled only to uproot myself so that I could start all over again. I still had that ring of keys somewhere and I knew that once I arrived back in Seattle, it would only be a matter of time before I would have to re-enter that room and start trying to fit the thousands of keys to the thousands of locks on the thousands of boxes that would stand before me. I remember feeling really tired and overwhelmed by that thought, so I took a nap.

Fast forward to my third Seattle incarnation and I found myself standing at the door again with my ring of keys. Only this time, when I looked down at the ring there were only two keys. I entered the now very familiar room and to my amazement there were only two boxes. One was labeled “The Truth” and the other was labeled “Everything Else”. Suddenly my choices were very simple and clear. There comes a point in life when we must own who we are.
I would be lying if I told you that I ran directly to The Truth box, put the key in the lock and opened it to a choir of angels and streams of Jesus Clouds pouring forth. Even with only two keys left on the ring and two choices to make, I still chose the box labeled “Everything Else”.
I opened it, and found nothing but the same old stuff that I had already seen. Shiny, pretty, sexy, distractions that I knew would only lead me back to this room full of boxes. So after a lot of hemming and hawing. After a lot of screaming and shouting and begging and pleading and kicking and crying and avoiding. After lying to myself and doing my level best to convince myself that “Everything Else” was what I really desired. I proceeded to finally shut the box and throw away the key.
I spent the next few months staring at the last remaining box.
The Truth.

It was simple, unassuming and frankly, rather plain. It wasn’t shiny or sparkly or glittery. I was convinced that compared to the contents of the other boxes, that it was going to be really fucking boring. Still, I shut my eyes, held my breath and put the final key into the lock.
What happened when I opened that box was nothing short of miraculous. When I finally opened that box the voice inside of me said “yes, this is it…you’re home”. For the first time in my life, I’d found a sense of relief and a feeling of satisfaction. Deep satisfaction…like an itch always out of reach, had finally been scratched. A stillness that I knew was always there finally surfaced. Much to my amazement, what I found in that box was a map that was blank, waiting for me to draw out my own path.
There was only one catch. Kind of like that scene in “Death Becomes Her” when Meryl Streep drinks the potion of immortality and Isabella Rossellini says “Now, a warning”! Meryl Streep’s perfect reaction of “NOW a warning”!? had suddenly become my mantra…I had already unlocked the box and NOW you tell me that there’s a catch? Yes, of course there’s a catch…isn’t there always? In every Universal Law or Force of Nature, there is always an equal and opposite reaction required. In this case it was simple…not only would The Truth set me free, but it would also come with the price of having to own who I was. And just to sweeten the pot a little…I would not only have to own who I was, but I would have to PUBLICLY declare that ownership. It was not enough to open that box and to accept the gift. I also had to stand on that box in a public forum and speak it out loud. It was and is a non-negotiable part of the deal. It’s either that, or I go back to following the map that someone else has drawn for me. When put in those terms, the choice is pretty clear.

So here goes…I’ve opened the box and now I have to do my part in accepting the gift of The Truth.
I, Andrew Martin am a Spiritual Seeker. I am a Divine, Spiritual Being having a Human, Physical, Earthbound experience. I am a Creator. I am a Lightworker. I am an Earth Angel. I am a Being of Light. I am a Teacher, a Student, a Mentor, a Master, a Life Coach, and a Light Coach. I am Empathic, Intuitive, Clairsentient, Clairaudient and Claircognizant. I light candles for my Angels and Guides. I pray to them, I talk to them, I see signs from them and sometimes I literally hear them. Like literally literally…not figuratively literally. Books in my collection feature authors like: Eckhart Tolle, Gary Zukav, Don Miguel Ruiz, Abraham Hicks, Pam Grout and Neale Donald Walsch. I believe in and live by The Law of Attraction. I meditate, I carry crystals with me. I smudge sage when a room is feeling “off” in its vibration. I talk to relatives who have passed on and I hear and feel them too. I believe in a Divine, Infinite, Intelligence. I believe in a Multiverse that is really just a Universe. I believe in re-incarnation, channeling, psychics, past lives, twin flames, out of body experiences, astral travel, Reiki, energy work, and I am currently going through a series of exercises and routines to de-calcify and re-activate my Pineal Gland. I also believe that Science and Spirit are two sides of the same coin. They are two forks of the same path and Science is merely a toddler to Spirit’s wizened old, ancient, self. I know that this “reality” is only an illusion and that this lifetime is merely a blip on the screen. I know that I AM God. That You are God. That Heaven and Hell and The Devil don’t exist (at least not in the Biblical sense) and that religion is a construct of man and has nothing to do with God. I know that Love is the only thing that is real and it has an energy signature just like every other feeling or force in the Universe.

I know that at first glance, some of you reading this are going to roll your eyes and think how foolish I am. I know that some of you who know me personally are going to think that I have completely gone off of the rails. I know that some of you will think that the Devil has me in his grasp and that God is judging me and casting me to Hell for all eternity because of my sacrilege.
I also know that respectfully, honestly and completely, I lovingly don’t give a fuck what you think.
I know what I know and I do my best to live a life that feels authentic and real and true. I know that I am here to help people, to teach people, to guide people to finding their own truth and their own alignment with their higher self.
What else do I know? I have no idea.
Keep reading and let’s find out together.

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One thought on “Coming Out Once and For All”

  • I started all the way back here on purpose. I wanted to see how you began. I understand this journey. It’s not easy. I love your writing. I love your authenticity. I love that you keep going even when it’s not easy. Thank you for sharing your story. Kathie in NC

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