This post is deeply personal. Some potential triggers here are suicide or suicidal ideation.
In the midst of this current passage, I have been feeling so much overwhelm and panic and fear and anger. It’s been a mix of dense energies and a general feeling of hopelessness. It’s the sense of reopening a cave that I thought I had long sealed off.
This morning I woke up and was ready to get to a deeper understanding of it, because I knew there was stuff ready to go. I was a bit trepidatious, because things with my team have been wonky as of late. There are new guides coming in as I begin new work. Coupled with the deep exhaustion I have felt means that more often than not, when I sit with the intent to connect, I usually just end up falling asleep or feeling like the connection is empty.
Regardless of my doubts, I sat down today with a very clear intention to see and connect. Immediately I felt my solar plexus beginning to pulse. The past few weeks it has felt like a hot rock sitting in there. As I tuned in, it felt like this energy center was starting to shut down, like it was going into survival mode. Like my body (or a program in my body) just wanted to regress to the old defensive, shielded way of living. I made it into this inner space before it could shut me out and suddenly found myself in a dimly lit room with shelves on the wall. It seemed like a really small room and I could see a few books on the the shelf. I reached for a book and started to open it and sensed someone behind me. I turned and saw my Self. Not Andrew per se but it was my Creator Self. I felt the recognition of this greater whole of which I am a part. I asked him what this place was and he said “This is essentially your programming library.”
I didn’t really understand at first when the lights suddenly came on and I saw I was in the midst of a HUGE room. It reminded me of the New York Public library. Filled with volumes and row after row of books all the way to the ceiling. The rows went on for so long, I could barely see the ends of them. I asked him “So this is like the hall of records for humanity?”
“No.” he said “These are the records of the programs for all the lives you have lived.”
I was stunned. How could these all be mine? It was huge!! He sensed my confusion and told me more.
“Every lifetime We have lived within the experiment of living through density on Earth has been created via the survival program. The controlled environment that is now being dismantled has had one common thread. You had to survive by any means necessary. Essentially the rules of the game you’ve been playing within have been kill or be killed, eat or be eaten, betray or be betrayed. You’ve had to be cunning and ruthless and violent. You have had to lie, cheat, steal, and murder. You have enslaved millions and have been enslaved. You have been powerless and powerful. Yet all the while one thing remained, if you didn’t get them first, then they were going to get you.”
I still didn’t fully understand so he shared more.
“Imagine a lifetime in Rome as a gladiator. The gladiator and their opponent entered the arena, against their will, to fight to the death. No matter how loving and peaceful at heart you or your opponent may have been, in the construct of the controlled environment (The Colosseum) the only choice was kill or be killed. Anyone who entered the arena knew that these were the only two options. While you, in your modern life, may look at this and see how barbaric it is, you have still been running on the same essential program. You bow to gods out of the fear of eternal damnation. You vote for public officials who tell you they are the only ones who can save you from the terrorists. You enlist in armies, compelled by the belief that if you don’t fight to the death that ‘the other guys’ are going to drop bombs and kill you all. The head of a company cuts employee benefits, circumvents safety measures, and fires thousands of people because they believe that without the billions of dollars in profit they will lose their job, ending up destitute and broke. Surviving in the matrix of control has programmed you over and over and over to deny your true nature as a compassionate, loving, being. You have chosen against yourself and others countless times. In order to justify these actions, it has forced you to see other beings as less than, as disposable, or not as valuable as you.”
I understood this, but was still confused as to why this massive library was filled to the rafters with these programs. He went on.
“When you make the decision as a Creator Being to individuate yourself from Source, you agree to enter density. There are many levels of density. Suffice it to say that anything outside of Source is, in fact a layer of density. Some layers are but a hair’s breadth away from the true Source, and don’t feel that much different. Some are so dense they feel like diving into a pool of wet concrete. When you make the choice to individuate, you essentially allow programs to be inserted into your field or vessel so that you can survive under the rules of the environment you will inhabit. The rules are different for every world or dimension but they all have an operating system by which you agree to abide. The fundamental program for Earth was one of basic survival, ie kill or be killed. From that original coding all sorts of iterations of that program are created. Sort of like an artificial intelligence. Some of these programs are mundane and seemingly innocuous. For example the times you lied and said you loved something when you really didn’t. In those instances, nobody is dying because of your untruth yet you still chose against yourself. At the root of this choice to deny your truth is still the idea of ‘If I don’t protect how they perceive me by lying to them in order to make them happy, then they will reject me, or judge me, or become angry etc.’ Follow the thread of that fear and eventually you will get to the bottom of it: Lie or be rejected. Kill or be killed.
Now much of this is unconscious because after many generations of this program being embedded in your DNA and the collective acceptance of it, you don’t even stop to consider what happens energetically when you deny your truth out of fear. What this has resulted in is a denial of your Sovereignty. Lifetime after lifetime you have bowed your head before those you did not respect. You have said yes to things that insulted your divinity. You have committed heinous acts because if you didn’t, you would have been killed yourself. The realization of how and why you have denied your Sovereign Authority is what is required for you to reclaim it. In short, you now have an unprecedented opportunity to see how you have had a hand in creating every single event you’ve experienced in this life and in others. Most importantly you have an opportunity now to forgive yourself and ask forgiveness from all those you have chosen against.”
Suddenly the room was filled with countless souls. I intuitively knew it was time to begin the forgiveness work. First I forgave all those who had acted against me and about half the souls vanished. I then asked for forgiveness from all those who I had acted against and the room continued to empty. I continued this for a while with some more specific instances from this lifetime until the only two left in the room were me and Me.
Then I heard a noise in a corner and turned towards it. What I saw was a figure who was so weak he was barely alive. He cowered in a corner, fearing for his life. He was emaciated, dirty, and terrified. It was as if all the life force he had left in him was being used to support this program of survival and fear. The guilt and shame I felt coming from him was so potent. He was begging for mercy and suddenly I knew exactly what he was. He was the first iteration of this survival program. He had been denying his/my True Self since the first division from Source. He had been with me since the first incarnation up until now. He was barely hanging on.
I gently lowered myself to the ground and asked him what he wanted. He simply said “I want to go. I am so tired and I can’t do this anymore.” I invited him to sit with me. The compassion that came over me brought me to tears. I felt the massive suffering he had endured; all so that I could reach this point. Suddenly a plate of food appeared at the table and I invited him to eat. He devoured it and slowly he came back to life. With each bite he became more radiant and beautiful. I thanked him for his sacrifice. For all he had done for me and asked him if there was anything else he needed.
He said “Yes. I need to go and I need you to release me.”
I asked him what he meant and he pointed to a cup on the table.
He spoke again. “If I drink this I will go to sleep and never wake up. There will be no more pain or suffering and I can finally be done.” I knew he wasn’t a person or a being, he was simply a thought form. He was the embodiment of all of the times I had denied myself or others in the name of survival. What he was asking of me was essentially the same thing as deleting a program from my hard drive and I had to be the one to hit the delete button.
I handed him the cup and he drank. He finished and said “Thank you.”
I picked him up and held him close. Then I laid him on the table as he went to sleep. After a moment, I turned to my Self and said “Ok, now what?”
He gestured to the room and said “How do you want to let all of this go?”
I looked around at the now empty room and knew it was time to burn it down. With a wave of my hand the rows of programs caught fire. The record of each denial of my Self began to burn. The history of how and when I had disempowered myself, manipulated others, lied, cheated, and taken what wasn’t mine, because the only alternative was death was now ablaze. I watched it burn and came back with tears pouring down my face.
What is becoming clearer to me after today’s experience is that we are being called now to live in service of our Divine Vision, not the survival program. The ‘Survival of The Fittest” concept is not even remotely aligned with our true nature. It is a program we agreed to live under, but now it’s time to return to an authentic way of being. As the Sovereign Authority of our creation, living in service of our Truth as we redefine exactly what it means to be a Human through creating a life that feels like paradise.
To support this work, I am offering an event on March 7th at 11AM MT. This event will focus solely on unearthing this programming so we can lovingly and with deep compassion come to our own understanding of it. Once we have connected to the space where it is held, we can enter it and delete it. You can register for that event here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/deleting-the-survival-program-tickets-96754315763
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