Building my practice from the ground up has been a revelation. I’ve realized how often I’ve allowed fear to drive me. Last year for about a 9 month period I was terrorized daily by the fear of ending up homeless. Literally it was eating me up inside. So much so that I actually had a conversation with my mom about what I called “The Apocalypse Contingency”. That if it all fell apart that I would move in with her. To the middle of rural Kansas. I laugh about it now but there was a time that it was a very real option for me.
I was drawing income from about three or four different sources (including borrowing money from family) and it still didn’t seem to be enough to make ends meet. I felt like a fraud and a loser. Almost a year later and I see that not one of those fears that plagued me ever came to pass. Not one. I always somehow had what I required.
Now I’m on the other side of that, cleaning up the shrapnel of my financial implosion and the beautiful thing is that although my needs have changed, I still have what I require. We always do.
Fear is a liar. It’s an MC Escher, endless loop with only one outcome: more fear. Fear only serves to replicate and nourish itself. It feeds on our good will and our willingness to give it credence and airtime. The worst fear you have will most likely never come true. And if it does it will never occur in a way that will be outside your ability to contend with it. So yes, sit with your fear and get to know it. But never forget it is loyal to none. It’s not here to be your ally. It’s here to be your teacher. It’s here to show you that it will always, without fail be a con artist of the highest caliber. So yes, let fear teach you and then let yourself move the fuck on.