At this point in my journey, I have reached a truce with the mind’s need to understand exactly what is going on in each and every moment. The knowing that there is value in all experience is something I have fully come to accept. The suffering and struggle that I create for myself when I am in resistance mode; digging my heels in and refusing to move until I know exactly what is going on and why has become less and less appealing over the years. It’s not to say that the mind isn’t still really skilled at dressing up the same old resistance in new clothing. It’s that I have begun to trust my sense of inner knowing more than I am willing to believe the fear porn that is served up whenever things start to unravel. I see quite clearly that chaos and order are not separate states, they are two sides of the same coin. Destruction and Creation are partners and both are a necessary part of life. That doesn’t mean I like it when things fall apart or go sideways, but the understanding that there’s a reason for it does help smooth some of the rough edges.
Even still, there have been many times this year where I have thought I just can’t go any deeper or continue to endure the crucible of purification one second longer. The deeply embedded programming that we’ve been clearing is no joke. We have all, in our own way, been tasked with dismantling the control matrix one brick at a time. The deliberate suppression, oppression, enslavement and manipulation of humanity has stood for eons and now, it has crumbled. Even so, it can be hard to accept that we truly are free, sovereign beings. Our mental programming, histories and patterning (both of this lifetime and others. Of our family’s lineage and our soul’s lineage) still reverberate through our fields. The amazing thing is that this time, we are the end of the line. We are the last generation to be born into a sleeping world. This time, once that moment of clarity arises, and we finally understand and accept it, embodiment begins. The embodiment of our Truth is what changes the game forever. Once I KNOW who and what I am, I am unstoppable. When I am carrying my Truth around in my pocket, so to speak, I am a force of nature, and my mere presence transforms the world around me. This has been a huge leap for me to accept. A really big fucking pill that I’ve been choking on for most of my life. The phrase from the Marianne Williamson poem “Our Deepest Fear” best illustrates my experience:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.”
We’ve been programmed to believe that to embrace our inherent magic is unsafe. Religion tells us that we are borne of sin and that if we don’t bow to a higher power “out there” that we’ll continue to suffer eternally. Historically we’ve been beaten, imprisoned, and burned at the stake for this. Over and over again we’ve lived a programmed reality where stepping out of line, standing tall, shining bright, and challenging the matrix is foolish, dangerous and ultimately the cause of our demise. No wonder we’ve clung so desperately to the false hopes and empty promises of the powers that
The full moon this past weekend brought another peeling back of old programming. Just how many layers to this onion are there!? In the days leading up to the full moon, I found myself face to face with some really intense energy. I was crabby, short tempered, and snappish. My sleep was way off and nothing felt quite right. I was deeply mired in the need to exert control on my external environment. When my inner Judge Judy goes into overdrive, that’s a clear sign that something deeply uncomfortable is rising up. This though felt like a fucking Leviathan! By the time Sunday evening rolled around, I was a mess. My body was achy and sore. I was exhausted from lack of sleep and trying to wrest my inner beast to the ground. I had pushed myself to the edge and even my well of resistance had run dry. I was pretty much spent and my vibration was low.
I was sitting outside Sunday, watching the sunset and enjoying a perfect Fall evening. For the first time in days, I was still. The inner turmoil had quieted and I was simply sitting. Being present with my sister’s two French Bulldogs that I have come to love so deeply and dearly. When a triple Virgo such as myself has accepted the fact that his mostly black wardrobe will ALWAYS be covered in white dog hairs, and this doesn’t send him screaming for the nearest lint roller, you know it’s true love! So, there I was sitting peacefully, when suddenly a very powerful wave of Love for these dogs rose up within me. It took me by surprise to feel that much Love so immediately. It was almost overwhelming. This was followed by an equally intense wave of sorrow. It was deep and aching and desperate. Then another layer. This one of a rage so intense it was shocking. What. The. HELL?! What is this!? Then, as it always does, the Truth bubbled up clearly and said “I can’t save you, nobody can.”
I was stunned and speechless.
Visions of alternate lives came storming into my awareness. Me on a field in the throes of some Medieval battle surrounded by the dead bodies of people I couldn’t save. A lifetime in Atlantis watching my brothers and sisters make choices that eventually led to their demise and the fall of the glorious society that we had built. Other lifetimes in worlds I didn’t recognize where my colleagues let their fears lead the way. Resulting in the deaths of countless beings. All of this came clear and I heard again, “I can’t save you.”
As I sat with this, things started to stitch themselves together. I looked at these two precious little dogs and said it aloud. “I can’t save you”. At first there was panic. What does that mean if I can’t save you?! You’re going to die and I can’t stop that! I have to do something! There must be a way! Again, “I can’t save you”. The heartache and pain was tremendous. I felt it bubbling up through my core and out the top of my head. It was excruciating, and then just like that, it was gone. The physical and emotional pain evaporated. Poof!
What came next was pure peace. Acceptance that instantly stilled the churning waters. On the other side was the pristine realization. “Oh, I get it!! I can’t save you!!” This was followed by joy and laughter bubbling up, I felt so giddy and at first I had no idea why. Then my own understanding dawned. If I can’t save you, then what? What does that mean? If I can’t save you, then I am free to enjoy you now, as you are. If I can’t save you, then I get to surrender my agenda, and I get the pure bliss of simply being present with you now in whatever state you are in. If I can’t save you, then I get to show up, free from requirement or expectation and THAT is was allows us to truly connect. Heart to heart and soul to soul. If I can’t save you, then I get to stand in my Truth and so do you. I can care for you without trying to fix you. I saw so clearly that my need to exert control wasn’t about control at all. It was about me trying desperately to rescue people from what I judged as choices and behaviors that were hurting or harming them. It was the hubris of “here comes the great white hope to save the day” that was rooted in lifetimes of guilt and shame. It was yet another example of what I know without a doubt: Until the root of pain is seen, felt, and healed, we will continue to project it onto people, places, and experiences that have nothing to do with it and we won’t even be able to see it. We will argue for our pain and our wounds. We will protect the narrative that keeps us locked in suffering until it has been acknowledged. It will be our own personal Stockholm Syndrome loop over and over and over until we turn to face it.
More opened up for me as I realized that this was the core of much of my recent angst and frustration around my practice. I was depleted because I have been walking around trying to carry the burden for other people. I was running on a program that told me that if I couldn’t “save them” then it was just another example of my failure. No wonder I was so conflicted about my practice! I was walking in with the deeply buried belief that in some way, it was my duty to absolve them from their suffering and struggle. Even bigger than that was the realization that I have spent my entire life trying to relieve people of their discomfort around me. As far back as I can remember I’ve been told I am too loud, too intense, too much, too too too! That if I would just quiet down a bit, be nicer, blend in, don’t be so weird! I knew intuitively as a kid that I made a lot of people uneasy and even though neither they nor I had any idea why, I took on the mantle of trying to soothe their discomfort. I have deep compassion and understanding for myself here. Of course I wanted to fit in. Of course I wanted to be accepted by everyone. It is another piece of the puzzle.
What I know, and on some level have always known is that I came into this world hard wired to cause disruption. I chose to be one who ruffled some feathers and rattled some cages. The brand of medicine I have agreed to offer in this life is supposed to come with some discomfort. In order to interrupt the unconscious allegiance to our programming it often has to be a bit of a shock to the system. Of course it is always wrapped in compassion and Love. Yet difficult truths and choices are inescapable on the journey back to Self. Discomfort and pain let us know when something is out of balance. If I carry the belief that someone needs to be saved, then that keeps them locked in the version of themselves that is broken or lost. Just like when I clung to my identity as the one who was the victim, that required someone out there to be my perpetrator.
Who am I to assume that someone is better off without their pain? What I have learned is that we need it as long as we need it. The Eckhart Tolle quote comes to mind: “Suffering is necessary until you realize it is unnecessary.” Personally the past year has been brutal! For the most part, It. Has. S U C K E D!!! I wouldn’t sign up for it again if I could avoid it. Yet without having walked through the darkest parts of my inner landscape, I would not be where I am today. Had someone offered to take my pain and suffering away, I would have leapt at the chance! Of course, I know that I can’t escape the work. Our path is ours to walk whether we like it or not. Without the emotional pain of this past year, I would never have dug as deeply as I have.
The next phase of my journey has begun to take shape. I am seeing glimpses of what is to come with my work. It is time to move beyond the previous definition of what it is to be human. It is time to enter the quantum experience of bringing in the Divine Blueprint. I have no intention of creating chaos and rocking the boat just for the sake of it. Yet, if that’s what needs to happen, then so be it. More than that is the knowledge that when I arrive, fully vested in my Self and the understanding of who and what I really am, there’s very little I have to “do” to offer up healing. Bigger still is the Truth that I can’t heal you, I can’t save you. I can’t convince you of anything, nor do I want to. Your journey is yours and yours alone. It is the sacred agreement between you and You. Who am I to stand in the way of that? I have sacrificed my need to be liked or approved of. In order to be a clear vessel for Divine Truth. I had to.
What I can do is walk beside you and share from my experience. What I will do is insist on your greatness and the belief that you too carry the spark of your ability to self heal. What I must do is point to half truth and programming when I feel it. I can’t guarantee that working with me will be easy, convenient, or comfortable. It’s a long and circuitous path back to Self. The path requires mining internal depths that most of us have never reached before. It’s not easy. It’s not something you can “hack”. There is no timeline or magic pill. It requires us to show up fully again and again and again. It’s full of of tears, fears, and emotional upheaval. It often requires us to surrender everything we have ever known. We have to excavate long buried trauma and pain so that we can finally set it, and ourselves free. It is not easy, but it is so so worth it.
A couple of nights ago I was lying on my bed staring at the ceiling. I wasn’t doing anything other than simply being present. There was no TV on, my phone wasn’t in my hand and the room was silent. I was struck by how at peace I was. Unraveling the trauma and PTSD of this and other lifetimes is something I have worked very hard at. For the first time I think in this life time, I wasn’t at odds with any part of my self. I was fully and completely present with no struggle, no anxiety, and no doubt. For the first time ever, I was 100% at home with myself and my inner landscape was still. To me, that is a life that feels like paradise and it is priceless. I wouldn’t trade that for anything. We all have that place inside where the indelible connection resides. Finding that place is the beginning of building the life you desire.
On Monday, November 11th at 11AM Mountain Time I’ll be on YouTube offering up sound healing to all who would like to attend. No requirements other than showing up open to receive what is here for you. Simply go to https://youtube.com/andrewmartinenergy on that day and I’ll see you there.
The sound healing on 11/11 will build upon the recent offering from 10/10. You can access that video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWVJoia-0A0
If you feel the work I offer is of value, and you’re guided to make a donation, you can do so here: https://cutt.ly/Lwxj0PF
Sound healing mp3s are available for purchase here: https://www.andrewmartin.energy/shop/
PATREON – https://www.patreon.com/andrewmartinenergy
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