My journey back to Self that officially began in 2012 changed everything. I was turned upside down and inside out. Though, in true over achiever fashion, it wasn’t enough to begin the complete destruction and restoration of my entire life. I also simultaneously began building my practice. Seriously, sometimes I wonder if my soul wasn’t trying for an extra credit medal of recognition for this life or something. But, I digress.
While the awakening process is unique, there are certain things that occur for most people. The reality altering moment where we are jolted out of our hypnosis happens in some way, to all of us. This begins the process of rediscovery, remembrance, and reconnection to who and what we REALLY are. You know, the Eternal Self that exists beyond our BS programming and conditioning? Consciously connecting with this layer of Self ignites the process of introducing us to all of the false claims we have made over the course of our life. This phase of awakening is primarily focused on letting go of all these erroneous notions and beliefs as we unpack our truth and reclaim our Self. No small feat indeed.
As the process of “rehabbing my human” unfolded, my inner work and practice became an oasis of sorts. The internal journey created a space where I was safe to explore the depths of my being. A place where I could commune deeply with Spirit. One where I could go to learn and grow and heal. This process of creating a space where our true nature can flourish and take root creates a refuge. I call it the Inner Temple. It is the place where we first begin to remember. The beauty of this inner space is that it reintroduces us to our inherent abilities. We remember how to feel, to sense, to know, and to command the energy that is here to serve us. All of this must be done with great integrity, as Truth and accountability are the only way through.
As our connection to our True Self deepens, this “inner experience” will eventually be externalized. It’s like when you are learning a foreign language. For most of us, this initially happens in a classroom or deliberate learning space. These spaces are where we start to acquire new information and test our knowledge. However, at some point we see that in order to really master the language, we have to take it out in the the real world. Learning French in a classroom is one thing, but to spend a Summer traveling France, putting that knowledge to use in a real world setting is another thing entirely. Until we turn the key in the ignition and actually pull out of the driveway, the knowledge is purely academic.
As the depth of my personal experience began to show me more of my purpose in this life, I started building my practice. Immediately it became clear that my own journey of healing and realization was directly tied to the work I offered. As I reclaimed and reintegrated my Self, my capacity to show up and hold space for other people, expanded. As I reached new depths of understanding within, my work found new depths as well. My ability to find radical acceptance for all that I am reconnected me with the Sovereign Authority that is our birthright. Over the years my work has taken many iterations, and all of them have mirrored and elevated my own internal process in some way.
In the beginning, my personal daily practice was something I had to deliberately show up for. The only way we ever create sustainable new habits, patterns, and realities is by doing so on purpose. This shit doesn’t happen by accident. My daily work became the equivalent of going to class. The act of mindfully stepping into a space with the intention of rediscovering myself was the commitment I made to my Self. It was my version of the 12 Steps; admitting I needed help and surrendering to my higher power. Every day, as I sat down (sometimes multiple times a day) to connect via my Inner Temple, it felt like I was leaving one space, and entering another.
Over time the “spiritual” self grew and became a larger part of my perspective. It didn’t happen according to how my mind thought it should. Nor did it happen according to the arbitrary timeline my mind offered up. More than anything this journey has been about loss. The loss of the fear, mistrust, anger, and self loathing I had been carting around. Eventually I began to notice how things were flowing so effortlessly. Where my life used to be 99% anxiety and 1% joy. Now it was flipped. I was running about 99% joy and about 1% anxiety. It wasn’t like turning a switch, it was more like a slow erosion of the false self. Slowly but surely the things that used to create so much havoc and disfunction in my life fell away. They just no longer held my focus.
Once my (previously) limited perspective of life was the exception and not the rule, I no longer needed to “leave” my life for the spiritual refuge to escape and find clarity. Now, I was able to carry that frequency with me. The confidence, faith, and assuredness I had rediscovered in my Inner Temple was now embodied. It was muscle memory, it was deeply embedded neural pathways. It wasn’t about a new way of living. It was about returning to my Authentic way of being. What I finally saw was that the healthy, happy, vibrant, Master that I AM has always been here. He was just covered up by a whole lot of “stuff” that in the end had nothing to do with me.
Now clarity has become my life. Joy and ease are constant companions, I trust the energy implicitly. Certainly there are moments where my human has a freak out, and that is perfectly OK. Now that I know how to comfort and care for myself in a way that supports the fullness of me, I embrace resistance and challenge. I don’t seek it, but when it shows up, I meet it with the same open hearted willingness and curiosity that I do with any other moment.
I didn’t realize it until recently, but in the early stages of my business, I simply replaced my dysfunctional patterns and habits with “spiritual ones”.
As had been true in previous chapters of this life time, It dawned on me that I gained almost all of my self esteem through my work. When I wasn’t working, I felt empty. Just like in the past where I sought validation from sex/drugs/men, I realized I was treating my practice just like a drug or a coping mechanism. Basically requiring it to define me and make me feel good about who I was and what I was doing. When I got really honest with myself I realized that even in client sessions there was still a part of me that needed to be liked, to be validated, to be seen in a positive light. It was like if I wasn’t working, I didn’t exist. I had poured all of myself into my personal healing and building my business. What I see now is that over the past 8 years or so, my life became my practice. What that ultimately means, is that there is no room left for me to simply be me.
I have been sitting with these realizations lately. I no longer vacate my life to go “be spiritual”. I no longer wish to have a practice or business that takes me out of the reality I live in. This is part of why I deleted my social media. It’s not real. I don’t live on Instagram or Facebook. Life doesn’t fucking happen online either. it’s not real. I’m not interested in a job or a practice that requires me to sit in front of a computer for 8+ hours a day. That’s basically just recreating my own little version of The Matrix. One where I show up as a slave to what I have created outside of myself.
Now I no longer require my practice to define me or make me feel good about myself. I am not lost within my journey anymore. I have found a place in life where ALL that I am is in the room. What I know for sure is that we didn’t come here to live an abstract spiritual experience. One removed from the physical world, only existing in our Inner Temple, or a cave on the mountain top. This time around we came here to bring the wisdom down off the mountain. In this life, we set things up so that we could fully realize our Mastery while still in form.
Now the question is “Rather than continuing to make my practice my life, how do I now let life BE the practice?” Essentially I am taking the energy, frequency, and vibrations of the Inner Temple I have rebuilt and am now externalizing it. The joy and ease and clarity are spilling out over the sides and it’s time to build a physical space to hold it. All I want now is a house and some land. I’ve been to the mountain, and now it’s time I bring the mountain to me.
So this is the challenge we all face currently, my friends. How do we take that burning internal passion and nurture it to the point where it has no choice but to spill out into our physical experience? If all of this focus, determination, and dedication to our healing journey hasn’t been to ultimately see that inner life bloom into form, then what the hell is the point of all of this?
On Sunday, July 12th I am hosting “The Compassion Key”. In my experience, compassion is the surest way to consciously open the connection to Self. In The Compassion Key event, we will work directly with your Creator Self. Anchoring the frequency of compassion into your field and deepening your connection to Self. We will align with your source to clear your energy fields of any distortions and programs that inhibit the embodiment of Compassion. Tickets and more info can be found here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/the-compassion-key-tickets-111296350380
The Sphere Healing sessions are a deep dive into your own energy field. The experience of being deeply held by the totality of all that you are is incredibly healing and transformational. You can book a session here: https://tinyurl.com/u6nm3gq
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