October Energy Transmission – Everything Has Changed

Clarity comes in fits and starts these days. There are times where everything is so clear and pristine. The next moment it shreds at the seams, reducing itself to nothing again.

Everything has changed. 2019 has been unforgiving in that sense. I am not the same man I was a year ago. I am not even the same man I was yesterday! The changes and shifts that have visited me this year are numerous and impossible to inventory. I was this, now I am not. I used to think I was that, but now realize I never was.

Where do you turn when you see that much of your personality was really only a well developed coping mechanism? A trait (or collection thereof) that was adopted and then employed so frequently that you forgot it was only the means by which to survive a specific moment or chapter. It’s a crutch for a wound long since mended that you just got really comfortable using. Like any transitional passage, the first steps without the crutches (old selves, identities, stories, etc) are often excruciating and fraught with fear and insecurity.

I have been transformed into a hunter of my own BS programming this year. The trauma that has been unearthed, felt, and released has taken my breath away on more than one occasion. The physical discomfort and good old fashioned PAIN created by the lies I told myself has been inescapable. Finding myself knee deep in scenarios that showed me just how much further I have to go on this journey of Love and acceptance has humbled me greatly. Friendships have turned to dust. Trusted confidants have shown their true colors. Decisions and desires that were once put upon a pedestal have turned out to be nothing more than fool’s gold. Who was the fool? I’ll give you one guess.

This is the year that I finally stopped trying to vacate myself and the experiences I’d created. And just so we’re clear, I created all of my experiences. Every. Single. One. That was the hardest pill to swallow. To acknowledge and accept that for decades I had been carting around my pain like a pack mule. Unboxing it and projecting it all over people, relationships, and experiences that had absolutely nothing to do with it. Don’t get me wrong, those experiences were priceless. I needed to see first hand just what kind of life I would have if I continued to let my pain lead the way. It had to happen the way it did and wishing otherwise is simply a red herring. When pain is present, we create from it first. It’s the toxic oil slick floating on the surface. It must be cleared in order to reach the untainted waters beneath. You gotta see and accept the muck before you can clean it up. The irony of it all is something I espouse frequently: “Often the scariest thing in life is getting what we really want.” Living a life that is rooted in authenticity and truth sounds great…and it is! It is also terrifying, exhausting, and at times overwhelming. There are no free passes on the conscious path. There simply aren’t. Anyone who tells you otherwise is someone I would keep about 30 yards distance from at all times.

Programming begins at birth, and Truth is antithetical to said programming. My job this year has primarily been undoing 45+ years of indoctrination. Once you begin to pull that thread your available wiggle room becomes smaller and smaller. Ultimately Truth is an either or thing. Either I am living/creating/choosing from it or I’m not. Often times (especially in the beginning) the only way I was able to discern the difference between Truth or not was simply by choosing and then paying really close attention to my feelings and the outcome. Sometimes I needed to ride that merry-go-round several hundred times before I saw the pattern and made new choices. It takes as long as it takes.

So, again this year, (after 18 months of trying my level best to force an outcome) I uprooted myself and left LA. I have moved 35+ times in my life, but this one was the hardest. This one holds the visceral charge of knowing I’ve crossed a threshold. The writing is on the wall (and has been for sometime) and in 2019 I’ve finally uncovered my eyes to face it. I chose to leave behind everything that needed to be left behind. Much of which I was still very attached to mentally and emotionally. It’s not that I threw the baby out with the bathwater. It’s that I have come to realize that sometimes it’s the current iteration that needs to die so that a more clarified expression of it can emerge. Unfortunately, there’s really no clear way to know which is which. You just gotta set it all free and trust the old adage: If it comes back, it’s yours. 

Landing in Colorado was unmistakably the correct decision, yet when I arrived I was met by more niggling doubts, uncertainty, and fear. These frequencies aren’t strangers to me. I am very familiar with these healing visitors. This move was different and every molecule of my being was aware of it. Previous moves had almost always been because there was something “out there” that I wanted. An externally focused adventure that I longed to experience; or an escape from something I didn’t. This one was prompted by something deeper. This move came via a level of Self that I hadn’t encountered since about 5 years old. This level of my awareness isn’t the least bit interested in what’s going on “out there” and requires a whole new level of courage. I mean it’s one thing to talk about living free from the need for external approval. It’s quite another thing to actually live that way. Especially when you’ve been plagued by the disease to please for the majority of your life. I’m still figuring out how to do it. It’s a practice.

When you are face to face with the core of your Self, defenseless and terrified of losing an identity that was never really you in the first place, then what? When you are so attuned to every blip of energy that sometimes it feels like you have no skin, then what? When what you were so sure of turns out to be nothing much at all, then what? These are not just questions posed, no. These are questions lived. An awakening is not about answers. An answer is only a new question. This is about asking new questions and then living them. This isn’t shit you read in a book and then intellectualize to a great degree of self satisfaction so you can avoid feeling. This is about living the questions (thank you Rainer Maria Rilke) NOW.  If you want to master something in this life time, then the only way to do so is through the physical vessel. The feels bring the heals. You don’t have to reconcile your shit if you don’t want to. Yay, freewill! But if you don’t, you’re just going to keep chasing your tail until you finally surrender or die. Either way, you’re eventually going to have to let go of your illusions.

The most challenging part of this is the shifts that have occurred in my practice. When I stepped on to this path consciously in 2012, it was many things. Not the least of which was the sense of having FINALLY found my “thing”. Relief and joy were a huge part of that initial surrender experience. Over the past 7 years I have devoted pretty much my whole life to building this practice. Suddenly I find myself in the very curious position of realizing that so much of what I have created as an offering to you and the collective at large doesn’t seem meaningful or important anymore. Don’t get me wrong. There’s still a longing to serve. An unrelenting desire to assist. Yet it’s not fully formed. It is vague and abstract and is mostly peripheral. Each time I turn to face it, it skitters just out of my sightline again.

How do I create a life that feels like paradise when I don’t have a model? How do I continue to serve without standing in the way of another’s journey of self discovery? How do I do work that not only serves, but that also satisfies and feeds me? Lately I have been fantasizing about closing down my site and social media accounts, and opening a bakery. Or living in the woods somewhere care taking someone’s property. Doing ANYTHING but “being spiritual”! I sit down to do one of my videos, and I get the sense that I am just regurgitating the same thing over and over. Is there anything new to say? I log onto my social media accounts with the intention of sharing something. But nothing feels right. It drains the life out of me. I look at the feeds on my accounts and what I see is a bunch of people parroting the same messages over and over. My first thoughts are usually along the lines of: “Does this actually mean anything to anyone?” I am not exempt from this scrutiny. I am revisiting old messages and content I have posted over the years too. Some of it astounds me with its crystalline insight. Some of it makes me laugh and cringe at my own ignorance and massive ego.

I don’t care what the experts say, I am not going to post something just because I need to keep my followers active and engaged. Gross. Sorry, Gary Vee, but that BS tactic is so tired. Why the fuck should I post just to post? That’s noise. That’s pollution. That’s meaningless garbage. If it’s not inspired by a legit desire to share, to serve, to assist, illuminate, whatever, then what’s the point? 

Trust me when I say I am not being nihilistic about this. I know without a doubt that what’s around the corner will also be amazing and wonderful in its own way. I also know that we’re still deeply in process of clearing the decks for the whopper that is 2020. I am sharing this, because that’s what I do. I share my experience in the hopes that it sparks something within you. From the beginning, it was crucial to show up honestly. Not to sugar coat things or position myself as someone who has it all figured out (yet ANOTHER person I would stay far far away from) but to be honest, transparent, and real. We’re all figuring this out as we go along. We owe it to ourselves to be as honest about that as we can. Nothing makes my eyes glaze over faster than someone reading me a litany of their accomplishments or telling me how “enlightened” they are – none of us are enlightened until we all are. I wanna know who you really are. I wanna know who you are when you’re exhausted and in line behind someone who is paying for their groceries one penny at a time. I wanna know who you are when you’re trying to untangle a knot of Christmas lights. I wanna know who you are when you’re not trying to show me. I wanna see you just being your messy, luminous, chaotic, spectacular, self in all of your glory!

So maybe that’s the message for October. Who the hell are you? Like REALLY who are you? Without your history, who are you?

Without the expectations and requirements of other people, who are you?

Your history is as dead as you allow it to be.

If you woke up tomorrow and everyone in your life but you had amnesia, what stories would you tell about yourself?

It’s not about how many crystals you have. Or what’s on your vision board. It’s about your heart and your truth.

Are you curious about how deep your authentic Love for yourself really goes? Not your BS duck face triple filtered snapchat self….but the REAL you.

That’s the message. That’s the sign. It’s you or nothing. It always has been.

I don’t know what’s around the corner, but I am here for you. When you’re ready, I am here. Through all of this my mission remains the same: You are far more powerful than you’ve been allowed to believe. I intend to help you reclaim that power. It is your Divine birthright.

I love you.
Thank you.
-Andrew

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34 thoughts on “October Energy Transmission – Everything Has Changed

  • Wow, Wow, Wow.. I could so relate to you. I found myself catching my breath at times because I feel like I am in the exact same place but for very different reasons. Without going into detail for anyone to see, I know exactly how you feel when everything you thought was something turns out NOT to be that at all. Things turning to dust around you, everything going wrong all at the same time creating a perfect shit storm. Not even pulling yourself up from one thing and another hits. I know what you mean when you say .. maybe I wonder what it would be like to just go and live in the woods or SOMETHING. But you aren’t really sure what is happening, what will happen, what is supposed to happen. I do want to tell you that I appreciate and love what you share. I also agree with you that the stupid Gary Vee’s of the world are just spewing a load of total B.S. It’s exhausting and irritating as heck. I can’t stand all the fake people out there, acting as if they have it all together when they don’t, and when you know they don’t they just seem 10 times more in-authentic.. It seems like each year lately it’s like soo loooong 2015. next year will definitely be better.. sooo loooong 2016… it will be better next year. Welll….. So long post to let you know you aren’t alone, and that I appreciate your openness, honesty, delivery, and support via your posts and blogs. I always look forward to them. And I love your writing. It feels very conversational to me. Best wishes to you XX

  • Thank you for sharing. It resonates deeply with me. All I know these days are my feelings one minute to the next showing me if I am still responding from a place of pain or if I am allowing myself to step out of pain and respond from a place of innocence …. the first feels comfortable and familiar but also so limiting that I struggle to breath at times.
    The other place feels real and exciting but also scary, foreign, uncomfortable and exposed.

    I don’t know where I am going but I know I can no longer stay where I have been, playing small and being the ‘average’ person I was brought up to be, all in the name of fitting in and not upsetting others.

    I feel a deep calling to put myself out there in my business yet I feel overwhelmed and hesitant to the point I get so tired and don’t always get much done (I used to be a workaholic who burnt out so my inner critic about what I think I should be getting done vs what I am capable of these days is being eradicated as we speak).

    I know what feels good – once I dare take a step into the unknown and let myself be really seen by myself and others – and that seems to be the only compass I have to follow these days.

    There are no fast wins but I trust that slow and truthful will get me to a place in myself (and life/business etc) that I couldn’t dream up, even if I tried. It’s time to truly let everything die that no longer serves me and start to live right now, right here.

    Wishing you all the most blessed day ever on this crazy ride we call life. I am so happy to know you are all part of my earth team ❤️

  • I hear you, Andrew. The fluff is full of mold and dead. And i follow the same thought, honesty and truth must prevail when i look at my life. Its the only thing that will guide me. And right now, i feel its only been a disappointing and discouraging thing. I was an artist and my creativity disappeared. Exhaustion took its place. Not one friend in my life. Most of my family has died. So what’s next? I dont know. Many of our spirits seem to be completely depleated. I am not a whiner and dont listen to whiners but this truth is unpleasant. Too bad for me, hehe. Well friend, lets keep going cause we will arrive somewhere. And yes, those sweet moments of clarity must see us through for now. Its just a bitch but so what? Theres nothing i can do about it right now but take care of myself and keep my funky little world in order (Virgo moon). Big, sincere, heartfelt hug. I DO hear you.

  • Holy shit, that was powerful and so fucking authentic! I kept getting chills at the end…I am FEELING THIS!! It resonates like a clear bell on a mountain top! ( with no people around)😉 I have longed for these exact things at times. A yurt down by the river with a goat or 2…a place to live simply and honestly. Some baked goods to share. ( have you seen Stranger than Fiction?)
    Fantastic movie, full of poignant depth and humor, and you’ll really want to open a bakery after watching it!
    Thank you for sharing this with such vulnerability. I appreciate you so much, and wish you the most peace and fresh excitement that your path can bring.
    P.s.
    Im still serious about buying you a cold- brew if you’re ever around Denver and feel like a hug and a chat…
    Xo

  • ahh frick Andrew, preach it. wow, yes! I also really feel the ‘take care of a cabin in the woods’…or teach guitar lessons haha, one crazy extreme or the other…

  • You’re so fucking awesome! I love your videos and while this is the first piece of writing I’ve read from you, I lurve it just as much! I write a weekly post, on a much smaller scale than you, and lately I’ve been questioning why. I am transforming so fast that I can’t keep up with it and my life has had such crazy stupid shit in it! It’s people like you who help me through, give me strength, make me feel like I’m not going insane. Thank you! I love you! I’m here for you too 😘

  • I am grateful that you have the ability And take the time to express yourself, and me, so beautifully. It is Very good to know that my unnamed feelings, my sense of disjointedness, my disappointment that “the more I yearn for” is just 1 more illusion when I reach it. Or determine that I’ll never reach it.
    How am I coping? I go to a lot of Meetups. Laughter and physical fun push off the loneliness for a few hours.
    I listen to erotic audio books on YT. Romances plus descritions of hot sex, neither present in my life.
    I’m trying to Care about Something….but it takes a lot of energy and I’m tired.
    Like the Bahamas in the days before their latest hurricane….I recognize that Life may never be the same once we tick over to 2020…so I’m trying to notice what is nice, and beautiful, and find gratitude for what IS good…
    Barbara Maarx Hubbard, years ago said we are in a tightening spiral. More and more pressure is being exerted upon us physically, emotionally, spiritually. Some of us will give up and return home, other’s will hang around as long as we can to see what happens next…
    I hope it all counts for something.

  • Wow. What a ride we are all on. I Love you. Thank you so much for your honesty. If you doubt if your creations make a difference then let me tell you, they absolutely do. Especially the raw transparency. Because we all need to know that it’s ok to be our true selves. It’s ok to not have it figured out. Again, thank you for all you do. 💜

  • Oh Andrew
    We need a hug.
    I just had a huge outpouring of my own this morning, must have tapped for a solid 20 minutes. I started off with my fear, ended up being my innate sense of unworthiness, shame and feeling like a piece of human shit.
    Actually tapped that one for quite awhile.
    “Even though I am a horrible piece of shit, I deeply and truly love and accept myself.”
    Somewhere in this life’s childhood, more than likely going back to other Earth lives, that became part of me.
    I am worthless, a waste, less than worthy on any level.
    Yes, it is a lie. Yes, it is ridiculous.
    But there it is.
    I’ve bee shown/told that now is the time to totally heal these distortions of self
    Or, pack it up, cause the end will be near.
    Then, of course, I’ll just have to face it again in some other when
    Ugggh.
    Some days I’m all in, others I’m all puddled on the floor, up and down, divine and shit.
    Freaking bipolar is what this “awakening” path is…lol
    Anyway, thank you, thank you, thank you
    You are not alone, and I, for one, am so grateful for you and your messages.
    Hugs and kisses big guy.
    This, too, shall pass. At least that’s what my guides keep reminding me.

  • I’m right here with you. This post, I felt I was talking to myself. (uh… duh!!) Thank you. Thank me. And now, … wow.

  • Thank you for being exactly who you are and sharing that with the world! I love your authenticity, your truth and your humor. Most of all, I appreciate your diligence in bringing your unique perspective to all of us on a monthly basis. I always take away something new from your posts, so please remind your Virgo self that you are relevant. Wink, wink… hug, hug.

  • Dear Andrew,
    I am really happy for you! I think you are now finally really close figuring it all out! Exciting times, for sure. I came across one of yours energy transmission videos 2 years ago, and since been following your work. You did help me start my journey of awakening by letting go of my perfect job, status and false self image…
    Lately, I had exactly that feeling that you are repeating yourself and that you are lost more than ever. I even thought I could help you, but unfortunately I never took time to write to you… but now I feel so relief and happy for you! I am sure you will be/ ARE perfectly fine! And you should write book about your journey, would love to read that 😉 the truth is actually so simple, the trick is to live it 😉 good luck! And whatever you decide to do, keep us posted! Love, D.

  • Who the hell am I? Good question!
    How to be in higher vibrations if I don’t have a clue of who or what I am!
    Thank you for your presence!

  • You have brought me much joy, peace, and inspiration. So much of what you say is spot on and causes me to ask myself the questions that need to be asked. I’m at the beginning of this journey, still working toward surrender and faith. I am getting the messages, but I haven’t quite shaken the “that’s not possible” voices from my past. Hearing someone else say the same things my guides and higher self have been hinting at or revealing to me is a really helpful confirmation. It makes what seems impossible, or what you learned to believe was impossible, so very real and true. Thank you for the role you’ve played in my journey.

  • Hiya Andrew,

    I have always loved that you share what you are going through. It makes me feel more real in this roller coaster of a ride. Follow your heart and joy. I will miss you if you go off social media. I know the Universe has your back.

    I love you deeply,

    Lisa

  • Thank you for not putting out content for the sake of putting out content at the “right” cadence. Your messages come when the time is right.

  • Thank you for sharing such a personal message about where you are in your life. You are an amazing, inspirational, insightful soul. Thank you for all the work you do, it has helped me tremendously.

  • You are loved. And you are love. And you are honored for the service that you provide here. There is no deeper truth that can be shared.

  • Wow Andrew, the best post ever! Thank you for your honesty, so inspiring. You are living your truth and that s amazing and enough. Lost for words ( truth never needs lotst of Words). Big hug Elja

  • SO Awesome ! Yes, please be You!! If that mean shutting down your accounts and quitting the spiritual biz, do it!! If this is what you need, follow that.

    I don’t have any social media! It all seem like noise to me. And I don’t feel like doing or buying anything “spiritual” anymore (except for mediation). It all just seems to be so played out. I just want to be my authentic amazing self. And on the outside this looks like a very ordinary human and I am great with this. Welcome to Colorado!! Such beautiful country. Enjoy!!

  • Thank you again for sharing your journey so candidly with us… Please don’t feel you should be or do something more, or emphasise your faults, because what you are doing is very brave; it takes guts to ‘expose’ yourself ( I hope it is the right phrase!! 😀 ) like this in public. Your guidance is wonderful, regardless of what you choose now. Yes, you might still have a long way to go to live in love and acceptance, but you have helped many come so far on their own journey, and often ‘hang in there’ instead of giving up, and that is magic.
    So… Love & Gratitude, and thumbs up to whatever you become!

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